10:03 pm on 07-25-04
yep
I didn�t do much last night. Just went across the street to a bar with my cousin and some of her friends. There was a good band there. Today, our house was part of a garden walk, therefore, for the better part of the day we had a lot of people walking through our yard. It was nice. We then had some family over for dinner and the last of them just left a while ago. It was a really nice day if I would say so.
So as all of you know, last week, something went down between me and J. You can reference from the following entries, this one , and this one of J�s�.
I�ve read J�s entry today and it�s exactly what I knew he would write. I�ve been waiting all week for him to write, and I was a little pissed earlier in the week that he didn�t write. I don�t know what to do. It�s really bothered me this week not talking to him, like it has before. But he says in his entry about how he is worried about me, and all that and that I am his Elaine Bennes. I don�t want to be someone�s Elaine. And yea, we could be friends still, but at the same time, I am still going to have the same reaction to things, such as if he goes out with another girl..blah blah, all that.
And another thing is, his main excuse for not wanting to date me is because he says that I can�t trust him. Well after thinking things over and over�if he really wanted something out of it, he would work at getting me to build my trust in him. But you know what, he doesn�t seem to be doing it, so to me, any sort of relationship between us is not even worth it. My mental well being is not worth ruining because of this.
In my eyes, for some reason, I think we would make a good couple. I don�t know if I think that because of how I feel about him, because I have a good time whenever I am with him, I feel that I can tell him anything. I don�t know what it is. And at the same time, I think to myself, �why am I even bothering?�. I guess it finally took me saying something to him to realize that it�s just not going to work. I think I always knew it, but there was always that feeling that I thought that he would change. That one day, something would click in his head, and he would think, �yea, notalptrixie is cool. She�s someone I want to date�. And I think these thoughts all come along with being a girl.
It�s not so much that my heart was broken, but I am definitely hurt by it. It completely sucks when you realize that you really do have feelings someone, and you come to find out that they just don�t feel for you in the same way. I�ve given four years of my life into some sort of relationship with J, and now it just feels like I need to abandon everything that has to do with it. It�s not that I think it was a waste of four years, which I don�t feel at all. It just doesn�t seem to be working out the way that I thought maybe it could have worked out.