9:39 pm on 07-18-04
emotions got me again
Yes, once again, my emotions have gotten the better part of me. As they seem to have done lately, especially within the last couple of weeks. I definitely need to take care of this.
So Friday night I went to the worlds largest block party. It wasn�t too bad. Guster was there. I don�t remember hearing a lot of their stuff though. I was home and in bed by midnight. Saturday I went up to J�s place and then we went the block party again.
While we were at J�s place waiting for his friend to come over, he starts talking to me about this crying business of mine and what is up with it, and why is it going on. So guess what, my eyes start to fucking water. The last thing I wanted to do was to start crying in front of him. So we started playing ms pacman and that helped take my mind of the crying�.
So at the block party, the Wallflowers were playing. So it was me, J, bette midler (j�s friend), g-money, and 4 other people that I had never met before. I had a fun time. It was very chilly and windy though. J and I left the group at 10 and took a cab back to the apartment to get my car. The cab ride was cool. Like always, I have a good time with J. So I remember at one part of the night I began to question J as to why he slept with me while he had a girlfriend. He of course just stared at me like I was nuts. He never has an answer for anything. I want answers. It�s like I need to be constantly reminded of things. Or I just need to hear words and not see looks. So he said that it is different between guys and girls. Whatever, it still doesn�t answer why you slept with me. So then later on in the night he tells me that I am good in bed. Yea.
So then we get back to his place and we�re hanging out in his room, and I am drinking the infamous blue stuff/rum/pineapple concoction. And J throws in the porn and he�s waving his dick in my face. So then we proceed to have sex and I am on top of him, and all the sudden I just stop and start grilling him. I was obviously pretty wasted, but I don�t remember 95% of the things I said to him. I have this vague recollection of crying. This is terrible. Part of me thinks that I told him I love him. That is just fucking great. But the thing is, I do love him because he is my friend, but I don�t know why I would say it like that, even if I did say it. So I�m grilling him about why I can�t be his girlfriend and while we cannot date and all that crap. (All the while his dick is still in me mind you)�and he tells me that he has told me before why we can�t and then he just lays there and says nothing. He says it�s because I can�t trust him. And I don�t know if that is true, or maybe I just want him to say something like, I just don�t like you that way. Something like that. I then get pissed and climb off of him, put my pjs on and pass out. The next thing I know it�s about 6:45am and he is sitting up in bed. He had just finished doing some stuff that he had to do for work. I didn�t even hear him get up when he did. So I�m laying there and I told him I was sorry. He then said he was sorry too. Then of course, we fooled around.
But what am I sorry for? Why did I say I was sorry? What is he sorry for? Am I sorry because I got drunk and I babbled and said stuff that I don�t even know that�s what I really feel? Did he say sorry because he didn�t give me the answer that I was looking for? Am I sorry because we didn�t finish having sex? Am I sorry for crying? I just don�t even know. Does saying sorry make things alright now? Where are things going to go from here? I want to act like it never happened. But can I really even do that? I mean come on, how can I go on acting like it never happened. I obviously have some sort of feeling for him, and I don�t think it all has to do with the sex either. I think we get along really well. I enjoy spending time with him, and I am pretty sure that he enjoys spending time with me.
Yea, I just don�t get it anymore. And then he and I went to lunch and I was in total lala land. I knew he was talking, but I didn�t even comprehend what he was saying. I was just staring out the window as we were driving, and I wasn�t even thinking of anything. My mind was just blank. On the drive home this afternoon, it was the same thing. I was on total auto pilot as I drove.
I know I am not fucked up, I know I�m not. But it just seems lately that I am not happy. Nothing is going the way I want. I sit around like a freaking rock and do nothing. I am not very productive at work. I find myself daydreaming. All I want to do is sleep. Yea, I don�t like feeling like this.