11:01 pm on 12-29-04
I am definitely not someone that I thought I would or at least, wanted to be
I didn�t sleep very well last night. I had this unbelievable nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had it all day today too�Last night while tossing and turning in bed, all I wanted to do was scream. Scream so loud that the house would shake. Well I couldn�t do that because I would most likely have scared the crap out of everyone. I could have gone outside and done it, but since I live in Chicago cop/firefighter neighborhood, I am sure guns and cops in their pajamas would have been out there lickety split. I even contemplated getting in my car, driving somewhere, parking and just screaming. Well I decided it was too cold out and didn�t do it.
When I finally fell asleep I had the strangest dream. I was driving in my car and I kept on sliding down in the seat, to the left and I couldn�t see anything, my vision was just black. I woke up with my heart racing. It was the weirdest dream. I�ve had dreams before where I am in my body in the dream and I am lost in various places, like a forest or an industrial looking, dark complex. During the dreams I begin to lose my vision and can�t find my way. It was always during a part of my life where I was really confused as to where my life was heading (haven�t we heard this one before�)
After talking with j last night this entry, I�m even more upset than I was, probably why I didn�t sleep well last night. I was better off not even hearing from him because there really was no resolution to what I need and want to know. He�s an avoider and I am sure he�s afraid to even make some sort of contact with me. I don�t blame him. I�d be afraid of me too�
I had emailed red earlier in the week telling him to have a nice new years and birthday next week and he emailed me back telling me I was still welcome to come to his place on new years. I thanked him, but declined. At least I know that he won�t not talk to me if I ever see him out.
Yea I don�t know what to do anymore. I shared the im convo with mel and she tells me that j really didn�t have anything to say and that it really didn�t sound like he was sorry. I don�t get it anymore. I just don�t.
So is this how my life story is turning out? Losing friends? Feeling like I�m not going anywhere? Like I am stuck at this unpleasant place�I�m not liking how this is going lately, well for the last year I haven�t really liked where my life is heading. You have all these thoughts and aspirations and goals for yourself when you�re younger and then bam, you�re 28 years old and you haven�t gotten anywhere that you wanted. You really surprise yourself with how you turn out. Well, at least I�ve surprised myself. I am definitely not someone that I thought I would or at least, wanted to be.