11:07 pm on 01-01-05
aren't I off to a good start...
I got in the car, drove around for 25 minutes, pulled in a parking lot and cried for about 10 minutes. And this wasn�t any old tearing of the eyes. It was shaking and sobbing cry.
Just how I wanted to start my new year.
I find myself so god damned pathetic sometimes. What goes through this obviously wacky brain of mine? Where do these ideas of corruption and deception and spite and vindictiveness (I know that�s a word or at least close to it) come from?
Am I mad? Yes. Am I aggravated? Hell yes. I don�t get answers to anything, I get the fucking run around.
After much heavy drinking last night, I guess I called J at his house and left a message. I remember words like fucking and fuck you and who knows what else came out of mouth. The sad part is that I didn�t even realize I had called until a message was left for me this afternoon. I wondered why the hell he was calling and I scrolled through recent calls on the cell and lo and behold his number was in there at 4:04am. I am a freaking psycho. I�ve only drunk dialed one other person in my whole entire existence. And now I�ve resorted to drunk dialing him? Jesus f christ. Someone take the phone away from me.
I called back and apologized for the call. He laughed. That made me more mad. I hung up. I called back later. The guy has no remorse what so ever. He doesn�t have anything to say about it. Dead silence on the phone! I guess our friendship was nothing. �Sooner or later one of us would start dating someone� he says�.What the hell is that supposed to mean? Fuck off. I know this is for the better, I know it is. It�s just a matter of accepting it�if that makes any sense at all.
I have been extremely bitter and angry since this whole thing happened. Why can�t I just forget about it? Mel and her husband made it a point that last night was my night to get drunk. That I needed it. Well it didn�t do me much good. Sigh. Although I did have a relatively good time at the party I was at, plus I won about $50 playing some game. Score.
Ok, so maybe tomorrow I can make it a better day.