7:49 p.m. on 2003-12-15
I don't f*cking know anymore
So I had one of those days at work today. At least it flew by. They put mayo on the turkey club sandwich when they never put it on there. They can never get that damn sandwich right at my work. One day it won't have any tukey. The next day it won't have any tomato. Today it had everything plus mayo. I hate mayo.
My youngest sister asked to borrow my car after work today. I told her I would be getting off work at 4pm. Well I was running late, so I called and told her. She had a hissy fit. The little shit is lucky I let her use my car. Spoiled brat.
I was talking to my dad after work today. Boy was he in a pissy mood. My mom i guess is fucking around with shit again and has been behind on the little sisters tuition payments. So here I go writing a check for 2600 bucks. What a bunch of crap. I feel bad for my dad because he makes enough money to pay the car, and house/mortgage bills and what not, and his charge card, and then my mom has to be an ass and do this shit. She said that she has been paying it. Well obviously not. So he didn't have enough money in the bank, so I lent it to him. He feels like shit. He hates that he had to ask for the money. I had to lend them money for mikes funeral too. So then my dad started to cry. I really felt bad then. He said that while he misses my brother, he's not sad over it. He is mad at him. He said that while Mike said he was making it easy, he fucking made it harder. My dad said that he(meaning my brother) didnt have the balls to face life and took the easy way out. He said that he accepts his death and wants to move ahead. He hates that he has to walk on eggshells around my mom. She had put Mikes flag up on a shelf in the front living room. My dad said yesterday that he thought that they should move it to one of the shelves in the back computer/family room. She practically had a fucking coronary. My dad said that sometimes my mom makes him so mad that he just wants to punch a hole in the wall. yea this sucks. And then my mom made a comment yesterday about how she feels lonely when no one is here. Well now what the fuck am I supposed to do, stay at home all the time?! I can't sit here and deal with her and how she is. She doesn't seem to have the greatest outlook on things. Sometimes I think she does it all for attention. I don't fucking now. She flipped when she got home wanting to know why the xmas lights weren't on outside. I told her I turned them off because I was doing laundry and when the washer and xmas lights are on, a fuse blows. So she gave me a dirty look. Well fuck you.
I don't mean to be mean and say things like that...but jesus. you just can't keep it in sometimes. I love my mom, but she can be so stupid sometimes...and the thing is is that she's a intelligent woman.
My dad asked me if I was seeing a psychiatrist. I told him yes. Then he wanted to know the name of him. I told him I would get the name of someone that he should talk to. I don't think that we should both be seeing the same doctor.
I think the next year is gonna be pretty hard. This reality hitting crap sucks. I am very sure that hateful things are going to be said around here, but maybe that's just what this is gonna happen. I can't see into the future. I can't predict how things are going to be. I don't know if they'll get better. They might get worse. Time obviously will only tell.
My grief is still too fresh. I don't know what to do. I am trying to be like my normal self, but I find myself flipping out at stuff that normally would never bother me before. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like all of the sudden that I have changed and become a different person. I don't know. It's hard to explain. Maybe one day I will sort it all out. I have yet to see my psychiatrist since before my brother died. I am sure he probably knows because he is out of the hospital that I work at and my family and I are pretty well known there. But it's up to me to get there and talk to him.
Just another day in the life of me.