3:34 p.m. on 2003-12-14
another sunday afternoon entry
I swear I was just writing on a sunday. Like I said on Friday, so much for 4 days off. It didn't help much. I wanted to sleep alot. and that didn't happen. I did go out every night, which was cool.
Supposedly the new thing among my group is that I am going to marry the lawyer. yes the infamous lawyer. We are constantly at each other's throats. Every time we are out together, we get into some non violent banter. I think we just like to show one up and see who's smarter than the other. It's kind of amusing actually. One guy in my group says it's like when we are in grammar school and you pick on someone when you like them. That would be the lawyer. Constantly picking on me. I find it very amusing. He was pretty nice to me last night though.
Ok, I am suckered into this stupid "rich girls" show on mtv. The one girl just caled her mom to ask her if she can buy these pink boots that were 400 bucks or something. And she says to her mom that she really thinks she needs them. Why would someone really need knee high pink suede boots. Beats me.
Yea so I was looking up suicide web sites today and they all suck. None of them seem informational and they are not very user friendly either. Now that sucks. JUst when I was to start looking up things, I cannot find a damn thing.
I'm really fixated on this whole stage process. I think I need to look up the steps of grief. I am pretty sure that the last one is acceptance, that makes me complete sense. I was thinking about something I did the other night and then I felt bad. I was at a friends house and we were playing cards and I just all of the sudden blurted out asking if they knew anyone who died from suicide. Now mind you, I hardly know these people, except for one, and now I feel like a moron for even saying something like that. I wish I could just talk to someone who has had a sibling die this way. I don't want to talk to someone who has had a cousin/friend die. I want someone who was closely related and not a parent. There is a support group that meets at this church by my house on the 3 rd sunday of each month. I am planning to go in January, but I want to go by myself. That's another thing. Am I supposed to go to support groups and stuff with my family? Is it ok that I go by myself. I kind of think that whatever works for me should work for everyone else. No one needs to tell me what and how I should attend support groups.
Yea I need a freaking vacation.
You know, I could kick myself in the ass sometimes. I have all these aspirations( if you wanna call em that) about how everytime I think about something, I am gonna write it down and then write it in here. Have I written any thoughts down? Hell no. So much for my goals. Sometiems I think that writing and what not will help me sort things out, but my writing sucks. I can't organize my thoughts, I just ramble and ramble, but I guess that's ok, isn't it. Well even if it isn't, I don't care.