9:52 p.m. on 2003-12-09
I thought this would be a long one...
Well, nothing too exciting has happened this week. Seems like a normal occurence lately. Sometimes I hate writing in here because someone I know reads this, but oh well.
My mom went crazy yesterday. Well, not literally, but she really broke down. SHe thinks she's a failure. She doesn't want to talk to anyone because she thinks that talking to people means that she accepts Mike's death. She told my aunt that it took her almost 15 years to accept her moms death. She'll most likely never accept Mikes death. She says that she wants to go away and get away from everyone. I didn't know what she meant by this comment and when I asked her what she meant, she didn't say anything more. She just cried more and more and told me to leave her alone. I have no clue what to do. I went and talked to a chaplain at the hospital today and she's extremely good friends with my mom and she is going to call her. But there has to be more that can be done to help her deal with this, but she's gonna have to want it on her own. We cannot force it on her, she needs to want it and she has to go because she wants to. My dad seems to be doing ok with it. If there is such a thing as ok. He's seen alot in life, being in viet nam and all that and I think he just has this outlook on life that things just happen. I know he's sad and I think he's mad, but who knows what else. I worry about my sisters, I know they are extremely mad at mike. I don't blame them, yet I, myself, am not mad. I wonder why? That is a constant thought in my mind. Lately, the question of why has been rolling through my brain. I have had trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating on things, and just plain ol sad. I talked to my cousin the other night and she came up telling me all this crap about how mike was being selfish with what he did and what not. That pretty much ticked me off. SHe's the one that always has to be right and everything she says is right. I fucking hate that. There is no answer to what happend. I'll never know the answer to the question why, no one will ever know. Maybe that's how it works. You are not supposed to know. Life and the human mind is a complicated thing.
So on to other things. I got pissed last night because I found out that friend of mine has been exchanging emails with my benefits buddy...when I asked her about it, she denied it. So I asked J today if they emailed each other and he said yea. ALthough I could care less if they email each other, it's the fact that she lied about it. Why would she lie about it. She can be sneaky. I worry that she is going to say something to J about why he doesn't date me. Just when I am happy with how things are and I am fine, now I have to go and start worrying again that she's gonna start saying something. She has already made one comment to me about how she was going to jokingly say something, but that she decided against it. So who knows what she'll do now. So J asked me if I didnt want him to email her. I can't tell him to not do something. That's like him asking me if I don't want him to go out with other girls awhile back. It's another kelly all over again is what I am saying.
So after tomorrow I have a 4 day weekend. I am pretty excited about it. Tomorrow night I am gonna go to J's house and hang out for awhile, and then do some xmas shopping on thursday. I was thinking that I had alot to do, but I really only have to go to target, best buy, and crate and barrel..simple shopping for me this year. Thursday night I am going to a xmas party at this bar by my house. they have the vip room reserved and what not, so it should be a great time, plus the band that is playing at the bar that night is pretty good. Friday I have to go and help my cousin with something with his computer or something and then I am going to my aunt and uncles for dinner. I plan to chill this weekend.
I am sitting here typing and it's getting long, and I feel crummy. I need to cheer up a little bit. I try to think of happy thoughts, but that always doesn't work. I am trying to finalize plans for new years eve. There are a couple of different things going on, but I think I just wanna hang out with my close friends. We might go to a bar out this way, we'll see though. I guess the bar has free cab rides all night, so that's a good thing.
J asked me if sex would be part of our hanging out this week. I truthfully don't know if it will be. Usually I would be all excited and looking forward to it, and while I am looking forward to hanging out with him, I dont know if I am in the mood for sex. The last time I hung out with him, I made out with his friend, and the time before that we didn't do much. I told him to stop. So maybe tomorrow will change. Like everyone else, I could use a good fooling around session.