9:12 p.m. on 2003-11-09
Life goes on......
It's been about 96 hours since I found out that my brother died.
I think I am doing ok. I slept barely last night, even though I laid down around 10pm. All I do is think of him. I have this morbid image of him and how he was found. No one has said what he looked like, I didn't look to see a bruise around his neck, I just keep on picturing what it could have looked like.
I'm afraid to sleep. I am afraid that he will be in my room if I wake up. I know I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. I hope to get over it. Every time I see a red jeep cherokee, I think of him. That's the car he had been driving lately. My mom woke up this morning and when she turned on the tv, the show that she and my brother used to watch was on. She said she sat there and watched it. My parents went to the cemetary today. Mike's coffin is in the ground. My mom was almost amusing when she was talking about how she lifted up the plywood to see if the dirt had filled up the hole. I can't bring myself to go yet. I think my parents needed to know that he was physically there. that he is truly safe now.
This is such a life altering event. It's almost like I don't want to leave my familys side. I never want to leave without saying I love you. I never want to go to bed or leave being mad at one of them. You never know if that's the last time that you will see them.....
Will I get through this? Will my family get through this? I know we will. we are strong, but you always have that thought in the back of your head that things might not be ok. THat something more terrible is going to happen. I don't know if I could deal with much more.
I went out with some friends today. We went to lunch and to look at dresses for Shell's wedding. She bought her dress, it's beautiful. We picked out the bridesmaid dresses and we'll order them sometime soon. They are really pretty, plain and elegant. It was nice to get out, it kept my mind off of things, but the minute I was in the car by myself, all I could think about was Mike. I think of the good, I think of the bad. I find myself wondering when the next time is that he will come over. When the phone rings, I think that it could be him calling.
I've decided to go to work for a half day tomorrow. I have some things to catch up with. Tomorrow night after class, I might meet this guy that I met on halloween out for drinks. I haven't decided yet. He knew of what happened, he sent me an email. He actually had signed my website guestbook one day last week, and on friday night, after I had come home from being out with some friends, I decided to email him...I said thanks for signing my guestbook and I told him about what happened. He emailed me back today saying that he found out about it on friday and that he thought it would be nice if we could get together for a drink, only if I felt like it though. Like I said, I'll see how I feel after class tomorrow night.
Day by day, things will get better. I know they will.