9:45 p.m. on 2003-11-08
The wake and funeral
So today was the funeral.
Last night, the wake was unbelievable. It was nonstop from 230 in the afternoon. Several times in the night the line was out the door. It is amazing what it means to me and my family for everyone to be there.
Mike looked good. Lately, he had been looking kind of scraggly, and they did a nice job on making him look good. He looked at peace.
My brother had gotten a DUI a couple of weeks ago and we think that is when all of the ultimate downfall began. We think that he realized that he really could have hurt someone and he had a chance of going to jail and he just couldn't face it. Am I rationalizing though, making excuses for why it happened? Like so many people have told us, we will never know.
I broke down at the wake yesterday. I have always been the rock, the one to be there for everyone else. Not yesterday, I couldn't handle it. I had the be taken out of the room. I threw up. I don't think I had ever cried so much as I did at that one point during the wake. At one point I couldn't even move. But then I was fine, yes I cried alot, especially when others were crying. Today was much better, if things could get any better. I did lose it again though today. I had to sit down. THe emotional toll that this has taken on me is unbelievable, but I know I will be fine.
My parents seem to be holding up pretty well. They have to know that nothing they did was wrong. It's not your fault. It's not Mike's fault, it's not anyones fault.
We'll definitely need counseling and I need to make sure that everyone in the family goes. It's so much better when there are people with you who have gone through the same thing and know what it feels like.
He's just not here. He's not gone. He's still here in my mind, in my heart. And will always be. He's in heaven, our own personal angel to watch over us. He will take care of us and one day we will see him again.
He is probably sitting here right now with me, watching over me as I type this. and if you are.....I love you, always have and always will.
My little sister annie - 17 years old, said the following today. I am so proud of her for getting up there and having the courage and strength to get through it.... "Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I , you are you. Whatever we were to each other, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household work was always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace if a shadow on it. Life means all that it will ever meant. It is all the same is it ever wa; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well."