8:32 a.m. on 2003-11-07
he's not here anymore
well today is my birthday and I could care less about it.
My brother died on wednesday. He killed himself. He was 25. He hung himself from the rafters in the basement of the house that he and his friend were rehabbing. I am sad. I am mad. SO many things are running through my head, I don't even know what to think. My parents are devastated, they think that they have done something wrong, was there something that they missed?
Mike was in the navy for 5 years and he came home around this time last year. Ever since he came home it had been downhill. He couldn't find a job. He would sit at home and drink all day. BEcause of that boredom, I believe the drinking led him to become an alcoholic. He was a different person when he drank. No one wanted to deal with him, he always had some crap to say or he was mean, he would get mad at you for the littlest things!
He had obviously reached the bottom and he couldn't bring himself back up. Was he afraid? was he mad? what he was thinking we will never know, We may never even know when we see him again.
I know that he didn't kill himself to be spiteful, to make us mad. I think that he loved us so much and that he felt that he was hurting us too much and in order to not hurt us anymore, he thought that killing himself would make it better. NOw that I write that, I begin to think to myself am I being selfish thinking that he did this for us! I'm only thinking of myself. The stuff that must have been going through his head and heart had to be so evil! How could it get to this that he thought that the best thing to do would be to kill himself!!
His not being here hasn't set in yet. I slept last night and woke up afraid that his spirit would be in my room. I shouldn't be afraid! If I see him in a dream , or think that I see his spirit I should be happy., He is letting me know that he is ok. I know that he was met by so many loving people when he went to heaven. I am sure that he is not feeling lost or alone anymore.
My sisters aren't dealing with this too well. My parents are aware with what has happened, but I am not sure that the reality of it has hit them yet. When our family was over yesterday, I kept on thinking "when is mike going to get here"...maybe he was there though.
His ex girlfriend was over yesterday, and she is completely devastated and dramatic. Right now I cannot deal with drama. I hope she is ok at the wake today. She has a daughter that Mike was like a father to, so that is making it even harder for them. Her daughter is 3, so she has no comprehension of why or what Mike died means. She was walking around the house yesterday asking "why Mike not here? why mike died?"...how do you explain that to a 3 year old. "Why is mommy sad? why is mommy crying?" that is the worst.
I had to go and buy new clothes for my brother to wear at the wake. I was in Carsons and I lost it. He was a tshirt/jeans type of guy and we did not feel that any of his dress clothes were in good condition. SO then to make myself think a good thought of him, I said that he now had to wear something that I liked. I think that it is something that he would wear anyway with a little coersion.
So many people have sent their condolences, people are bringing all this food over. It is nice.
I am afraid of going to the wake today. I know it is going to be crowded, there will be so many people there. I want to be there for my parents and sisters. They need stability, a rock, during this time, and my way of dealing with it is to be the rock. I will grieve more when it is time for me to grieve. I am glad that tomorrow we are only having a service at the funeral home and then going to the cemetary. We will then have immediate family only over to our house. I don't understand why people feel the need to go to a funeral and then go and sit at a luncheon all afternoon. People are laughing, drinking, almost having a good time.
We would rather come here and be with family, some food, some beer and wine and just be here.
I have been thinking that I should write a letter to my brother. What I would put in it, I don't know. He left two suicide notes, on pieces of lumber that they were using at the house. Obviously there was no paper laying around. At the end of one of the blocks it said "mom and dad, let's make it easy. I love you always. your son Michael". at the other end of the same piece of wood it said "To jen, annie, and Katie, I do love you. Michael"...the other piece of wood was to his best friends and family "chris, brian, and family - it all went downhill after the navy. I love you all. Mike" yea, I think I am going to write him a letter and put it in the coffin with him. something that lets him know that I have always loved him, even though it may not have seemed like it sometimes.