2:20 pm on 10-24-04
The continuation ain't that exciting
The whole purpose of a journal is to record your deep thoughts. Ponder life, etc. etc. My journal sometimes is the exact opposite. Sometimes I write for shock factor of those of you who read me. Sometimes I write what I am feeling. Other times I am just writing about my sometimes not so exciting life. I have found a few people who think and feel the same way I do. Most of these people are my age or relatively close. It�s comforting to know that I go through what other people go through. I sometimes wonder though how worse could it get?
I ended my entry yesterday indicating that it would be continued. Yea, well there isn�t much of a continuation. I got a phone call from a friend and we pondered the idea of going out and living it up on a Saturday night. I hurried to finish what I was working on and took a shower. I ran out and got a bite to eat, and on the way there I drove past the bar that we had decided on. It was beyond packed. I didn�t think it was a good idea. I called the live it up friend and told her of my discovery. We briefly discussed the idea of going out, and then decided just to stay in. I was kind of glad that I did. I came home and ate, threw my pjs on and watched some tv. I think I passed out before 11pm.
I did have a dream last night that I was sitting in church and crying. I was at a funeral mass for someone who had committed suicide. Yet, I don�t know who it was. All I know is that what the mass was about. I didn�t see a coffin or anything, but I remember turning around in the pew and looking up into the chorus area to see a guy playing an electric guitar, and he was playing that �raise you up on eagle�s wings� song (I�m such a good catholic, I know). I am basing this dream on the pretense that my brother�s one year anniversary of his death is soon approaching.
So what the hell am I supposed to do about that? Yea I miss him. But he�s the one who lost out on life. I don�t know what the hell was going through his head when he decided to kill himself, but I hope he feels that it was worth all the pain that he has caused my parents and me and my sisters. What an idiot. And people at work are starting to ask what I am going to do on his death anniversary. What do you mean, what am I going to do? Probably nothing. It�s not like I don�t replay the day over in head everyday. So what�s going to make that day any different. I�ll probably be eating cake anyway because my brother killed himself on my mom�s birthday. I think it would be absolutely stupid to not celebrate my mom�s birthday because it�s the same day that he died. And to top it off, my birthday is two days after the fact. Let me tell you, last year, I spent my birthday at a funeral home. Yea, I�ll probably feel sad on my birthday just because, but it doesn�t mean I am going to sit in all day and wallow. Fuck that. I am not stopping my life for that.
So you may think that sounds selfish and I am being a bitch. But hey, at this point of my life, this is how I am feeling and I don�t care if I am being selfish.
This morning I was wide awake at around 730, so I got up, finished the website I am working on and wrote a paper. I also went out and purchased the rest of the stuff that I need for my Halloween costume. It will be fun. I really don�t have any additional studying to do this afternoon, maybe a nap is in order?
I got a phone call last night and I didn�t recognize the number of my caller id, therefore I did not answer it. Well they left a message�so I checked it and it was J calling from Vegas. He pretended to be his old lunch buddy friend imitating him, but I know it was him. He�s such a dork, he was probably drunk and I heard continuous laughter in the background. His message informed me that I did not win any money on the bet that I told him to make. He better not be lying or I�ll twist his nipples real hard. That hurts more than an under the upper arm pinch.