9:02 pm on 10-20-05
6:45am phone calls
6:45am �V cell rings
Me: hello?
Him: hey.
Me: hi sweety �� what��s up?
Him: Where are you at?
Me: just getting in my car to go to work, why?
Him: It��s not going to work.
Me: My car isn��t going to work? Why?
Him: No. We aren��t going to work.
Me (practically getting killed as I��m slamming my door shut): what are you talking about?
Him: I just don��t see it going anywhere anymore.
Me: I thought we were going to try and see if it was going to go anywhere and we��re just having fun hanging out being friends. What��s wrong with that?
Him: Yea, but I just don��t feel it anymore. I can��t explain.
Me: umm...(60 years of silence) ok. Well I gotta go, can��t talk on the cell while driving.
Him: ok, I��ll keep in touch.
Me: slapping phone shut
What the fuck is going on? Don��t feel it anymore and you can��t explain. I swear, I��m giving up. Work lunch buddy was right. I should have listened to her. I should have never let myself get caught back up with him.
The whole thing just seems like a broken record of my life playing over and over and over again. Will it ever stop? It seems like a stupid soap opera.
How can men do this�Ksit there and act like they like you and have a good time with you and they tell you that you make them laugh and smile and feel good. And then bam! It��s just not there anymore. I don��t think it��s me. Maybe it is. Maybe I make myself too available or maybe I don��t offer enough of myself to a relationship. Maybe I have to be a bitch? Maybe I have to be nicer? What does it take to just meet a guy who is fun, easy to get along with and who will feel the same about me. And not only tell me that they feel the same about me, but actually mean it.
Sigh.
I just want to call him and find out what is wrong. But I am afraid that he��s just not going to have anything to say. This is it. I won��t give in to him ever again. I��m cutting all ties. I need to focus on school. I need to focus on finding a better job. I think I need to concentrate on myself for awhile.
I��m angry but I don��t want to devote any energy to being angry. I feel like I just want to give up on everything. Like this depressed feeling is going to come over me.
It��d be nice to go back and change something about this. But I can��t so I��ll just have to deal with what��s gone on in the past couple of months and consider just another interesting series of moments in my life and smile at the good times. Just like everything else.
And I have the worst cramps ever to boot. I��m going to play some mahjong and probably go to bed. Oh so exciting.