10:43 pm on 10-06-04
Another "sigh" entry
I am on a girlie magazine reading kick and sometimes, they have the weirdest ideas. This was a random quote that was quoted from �Men Fake Foreplay (�and other lies that are true� by Mike Dugan�..
�Women have an intelligence network that rivals the CIA�s. If you end things with a woman tonight, by tomorrow you�ll be on a shit list in Zimbabwe. We�re scared that if things don�t work out with you, nobody will ever date us again��This is supposedly the real reason why men fear commitment.
Whatever. I don�t believe that. Why can�t a guy just tell you that he doesn�t like you when he doesn�t like you. I heard something once that this guy would rather lose his arm than tell a girl that he didn�t really care for her. He figured that eventually it would die out and she would just �go away�. Whatever again. Just tell me you don�t freaking like me. I�ll probably be mad for a bit, but I�ll get over it.
I once met this man. Architect boy, whom I have mentioned once or twice in this diary, probably a couple of months ago. Anyway, we met probably about 5-6 years ago. I was out with a friend and he worked with her and he and I started talking and he was such a good looking guy and nice and what not, and he had asked me for my number. I gave it to him not really expecting him to call, but he did a couple of weeks later. We met for dinner at Rock bottom one night and had a great time and went for a walk downtown and along the lake and what not. While after that we were usually inseparable, we were not dating each other. Sometimes I wondered why we weren�t and for the better part, I was perfectly fine with the great friendship that we had. He was a pseudo boyfriend. Then there was a bunch of us out one night at a bar on Lincoln avenue and he and I were getting drunk and we were dancing and I just blurted out, �I like you�. Yea�alcohol�it�s a great thing isn�t it. So at first he had this look of shock on his face like he was surprised that I felt that way for him, and I am sure he was. It�s my own fault though. I always blabbed how I liked being single and yadda yadda�but deep in the back of my head, I really wanted a relationship. And that was that. So from there then on, things just got a little strange. I would get mad at him for stupid things like not being around when I called him, or him going out with another girl (sounds familiar doesn�t it)�and it eventually just �died out�. And the thing was, I spent the night at is apartment that night and we really didn�t talk about it and the next morning when I woke up, he and I were talking and I said, �sorry for what I said last night�
What the hell is wrong with me and apologizing for how I feel? I just did the same thing a couple of months ago with J. There is no reason for me for apologizing. It�s how I felt at the time. I mean really, does anyone have an answer as to why am I apologizing for these things. How much more whacked out can my brain get?
And then this guy I went out with the other night�he seems like a good guy. Stable, job, kind, friendly�etc. etc., but he called tonight and I saw his number on my caller id and I let it go to voicemail. He said to give him a call when I get a chance. I�m not supposed to not want to talk to someone that I could possibly develop a relationship with, am I? Who says I�ll even want to work in a chance to call him. I�m always making excuses, always.
I think my brain is just really worn out. I�ve got too much going on upstairs, that�s for sure. I don�t take time to relax, supposedly I�m too hard on myself. I worry too much about things that I really don�t even need to worry about. I�m worried about my cervix because I don�t even know what the hell is going on with that. I talked to my aunt today and she told me how she thinks I am too hard on myself and what not, and I told her no, that I don�t think I am like that. Maybe I just don�t want to admit that is really how I am. How come I can�t just relax? I was sitting in class tonight, and I thought I was paying attention, but I couldn�t even tell you what the instructor was saying. Then the girl next to me asks me what he was talking about, and I flat out said that I wasn�t paying attention. I can hear noise going on, but I don�t even comprehend the words.
Sigh�.