10:21 pm on 08-18-04
thoughts of conversion
It�s thundering and lightening out. Small drops of rain, just sitting here waiting for the pounding to begin. Today was the funeral of my aunt and uncle. The wake last night was relatively crowded, hot, humid, tiring. We went early evening and didn�t stay for that long. It seems that ever since my brother died, I just don�t want to deal with the whole death process. It�s very strange. And I was sitting in church today thinking about my life, and I�ve realized that I think that I have distanced myself from quite a few people. I don�t know what it is. I don�t find myself picking up the phone like I used to and just call someone to talk. It�s like I don�t really care to talk to anyone and I am keeping a lot of things to myself. It is really strange. I often wonder if I am distancing myself to avoid being hurt. Hurt from what I am not too sure of, but I think I should probably work on finding out what it is I am so afraid of.
I went to put gas in my car today and the window was open and I heard my cell phone ringing. I was wondering who would be calling me that early in the morning, unless it was someone in my family. So I reach in and grab the phone and �no number� is displayed. Whatever, I figured nothing of it. Then I heard the voice mail tone go off. And of course, I think immediately eminem boy. Mother fucker. It�s 930am on a Wednesday and you are obviously calling me from your home. Why is that?
His message was rambling like he always does. He wants to know why he cannot get me out of his head. And the funny thing is, I don�t know why I still think about him either.
He said he sends me text messages all the time, well, la di da, I don�t get text messages on my phone, therefore I have not gotten any of yours buddy. He asked why we can�t ever get together for coffee or something like that. Whatever dude, we went that route before and you never met up with me. Why do you think that now I am going to change my mind and decide to meet with you. It was almost six years ago that we broke up, and this all still goes on. He wants me to call him and leave him a message letting him know how I feel. What? Yea, I like getting phone calls from you at all hours, and stupid messages. I just want to ignore him. I�ve gone the whole, �don�t call me again mother fucker � route, and it works for a couple of months, and then he goes in his spurts when he calling me all the time. The last time I even saw him was I think in December or January when he and I had a drunken hook up in my back room of the house. I almost forgot about that until now.
Oy ve is all I have to say. Just another day in the life of notalptrixie. Hey, I wonder if I convert to a lp trixie if I will be rid of all this drama in my life. I�ll buy a jetta and drink starbucks morning, noon, and night. What a life.