8:57 pm on 04-25-04
I want to go back
So I�m not much of a popcorn fan, but I was craving something salty big time, and well, microwave popcorn was all I could find. And I didn�t feel like going out anywhere and getting anything, but it�s pretty good.
This weekend has been a whole lot of nothing really.
Thursday night, I sat around and watched tv when I should have been studying. Friday night I came home from work and actually studied until about 10pm, then I took a quick shower and met some friends at the bar across the street from me.
Saturday I was up early to do more studying, and then I had a christening to go to. That was nothing exciting. Came home and took a little nap and then went to M and J�s house to hang out. We had a good time. My friend is having surgery for colorectal cancer on Tuesday. He�s only 32 and he has this. He�s already gone through chemo and radiation and now he has to have surgery. I live right by them, so I am making sure that I check up on them. This is some major surgery, and I am praying that everything goes well for him. And therefore, I got home at 4am. Late night, and woke up at like 9am so that was good (to study of course).
I emailed banker boy again late Friday afternoon. I wrote him again at the suggestion of S because she said that she was out to lunch with him the other day, and he didn�t mention receiving my email. I�ll feel kind of stupid if he did get and didn�t reply�but there was no reason for him not to reply! Other than the fact that he�s more of a pig than I thought.
Lawyer boy was out with us last night and he told me I looked nice. I was thinking, what kind of drugs are you on, I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, hair pulled back, no makeup, and my old crummy but favorite holey jeans. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, or he was being sarcastic but no one caught it. I didn�t look that bad though to where someone would say that I looked terrible.
So I haven�t been feeling myself this week. I�ve been real tired, and kind of crabby and snippy towards people. I have so much going on, and I just don�t really want to deal with it. I have not seen the psychiatrist/therapist in quite awhile. I don�t know why though. Maybe I am afraid to talk about things, or maybe I just don�t want to talk about it because I want to forget about everything and act as if nothing happened. I think I cried 4 days this week.
I want to go back to last year January 2003 and be in the old house, home. I want to be where I should be. I want to be back having a good relationship with my family. I want my brother to be here. I want to go back and change so many things. I want to go back and wish that benefits buddy never broke up with his girlfriend. I want to go back and pay my bills off earlier than I did. I want to go back and not get as involved with things as I did. I want to go back to the day my brother called from the police station saying he needed someone to bail him out. I want to go back and bail him out. And I want to talk to him, and tell him that I love him. And I want to be back at the time before he died, and I wish there was something that I would have seen.
Why do all these feelings hit me now? Why can�t I just accept that things happen for a reason, and what�s done is done? I can�t go back and change things. I just can�t. There�s nothing I can do about any of it now either.
He fucking took the easy and selfish way out. Did you ever think of what it would do to us?