6:43 pm on 04-03-04
I know I shouldn't, but I still do....
Finally, the weekend. And of course, it�s already Saturday evening. I�m sitting here wasting time until I need to get ready to go out. I have a work bowling thing tonight. My friend M and I are going to go. It should be a good time.
Last night I ended up going by J�s house to hang out. In an email to him on Thursday, I told him that I was aggravated with him for never coming down this way to hang out. I had asked him about a month ago about tonight and he had said it would be cool. Well, when I asked him again about it this past Monday, he didn�t reply to my question�so whatever I just blew it off at the time, and got mad later about it. I seem to do that a lot. So I was a little nervous going over there last night, but as soon as I got there, I was fine. Of course, I have to give him shit because psycho girl whom he still talks to or whatever it is they do, had bought him play doh, slinky, and a hersheys kiss. How weird is that?? And all because he was watching her fish. Whatever.
So we went to dinner, and got a phone call from below (the guy I made out with in November)�he talks to J and tells him that me and J are on the �list� to get into the bar without paying a cover where we were going to see a band. Below cracks me up sometimes. I made J drive to the bar because I was in the mood to drink, and boy did I drink. I was hammered. Dumb dumb dumb. I, of course, did the under the arm pinch to J and Below and proceeded to piss both of them off. Oops. I did scratch below�s back for him. I love the look on people�s faces when I give a good back scratch. So I�m sitting there listening to the band, who by the way rocked, and I feel a little woozy. Damn heinekin. So I ask J if we can go. Well more like whined about how I wanted to go. I am sure I annoyed him. So we�re in the car, and why I started to maul him I have no clue. Don�t worry, it didn�t go far. Eminem proceeded to ring my cell about 800 times. I made J talk and say that he was my husband and to tell Eminem to stop calling me.
Then I start the whole drunken babble about how J and I should date. I have this vague memory of going a little overboard with it. He keeps on telling me that I won�t trust him and that I�ll regret what I say in the morning. So we get back to his place, and I assume we�re gonna fool around. He told me he was tired. That was the 2nd time in my life that I have been denied. I hate being denied. He said �can�t you wait until the morning?��whatever. So then I was pissed. I do remember him saying something like, �If I have to fuck you to prove to you that psycho is not my girlfriend, then that�s what we�ll do��it didn�t happen. I obviously passed out then. Supposedly I took up the whole bed. Too bad. I woke up around 630am, and I was mad. And then I couldn�t fall back to sleep and that made it even worse. Eventually J woke up and we fooled around. No sex. And I got a charley horse in my right calf which still hurts.
So I don�t get my head sometimes. I don�t get why all this crap goes through my mind, and why can�t I get an answer to anything. I have obviously become way too emotionally involved with J. But like I said before, he has been a constant in my life for the past 4 � 5 years. I tried that whole �I don�t want to talk to you thing��that didn�t work. And now I even find that if I am remotely interested in another guy, I start to think about what will happen to mine and J�s relationship. I know that�s not right, and I know I shouldn�t be that way, but I still am.
So why is it that I still do the things I do? Yea, anyone have a clue as to why that is?
So this afternoon I had a nap and I had a dream about my brother. I was at a party and I walked down to the basement to get a beer from the keg and he was walking up the stairs. He looked good, and he had a cool hairstyle (?). I was impressed, and then in my dream my eyes started to water and tear up and I think I started to tell him how much I loved him�but I don�t remember if I told him. I don�t remember if that�s when he cut me off and started telling me about how he was in rehab and that things were going well for him, and that he had to have his blood pressure taken everyday. And then I remember noticing that he didn�t smell like alcohol and his hands weren�t shaky. It was very strange�and then I don�t know what happened after that. It�ll be five months this Monday since he died. It feels like it has been forever ago. I think about him all the time. All day long. I find myself at work not focusing. And then breaking down when I get overwhelmed.
Oh yea, this is fun. I can�t wait until my vacation in May. I need something to clear my head.
Alright gotta get ready to go. Have a good weekend everyone!