2:47 pm on 02-19-05
Saturday afternoon musings
Don�t you just hate it when things seem to be going ok and then you do something that throws you off kilter? Yea well I am queen of that.
Tuesday night after class I came home to work on some stuff for class. I threw my instant messenger on and was chatting with starboy as always. Anyway, j pops online and my heart jumps. I haven�t seen him online in ages. So the question was do I say hello or not. Well then he signed off.
So the next day at work I decided to email him just to say hi and tell him that I hope things are going ok for him. Instead of emailing me back, he calls me at work. I wasn�t around, so I didn�t get his message until before I went to lunch. When I came back I saw that he had emailed me�it was a long email, just asking how I was doing, and telling me how things were going with him. He told me that he and his current gf has been arguing or something like that and that he was really angry about something. So after reading these emails, I felt fine. No twinges of jealously, guilt, anger, nothing like that. I thought to myself, �great, I feel ok. Maybe this is a sign that our friendship will rekindle��the next day he sends me an email telling me some other stuff and he mentioned a girl he slept with, his current girlfriend, and his ex girlfriend all in the same email. There wasn�t much written about them, but still. I got mad, or wait, I got that feeling in my chest, that painful anger and jealously filled feeling. Mother fucker. I emailed him back and said something along the lines of the feeling I got and that I probably shouldn�t have emailed him.
Here�s the thing. I am sure that Justin has no problem whatsoever with having a friendship with me. It�s me who has the problem. The question I ask myself now though is this something I really want to work on. Do I want to work on knowing and truly accepting the fact that he and I are / will be dating other people and that we are just friends? Or do I just let the whole thing go and accept it as a life lesson? A fond memory of someone who was a good friend and we just went our separate ways as it happens sometimes? I�m curious as to how he is doing and what he has been up to. I am sure he is interested in what I am up to, yet at the same time, he has the privilege of reading this and finding out how I think and feel and what has been going on. I am almost positive that if he would have updated his journal more often that none of this would have happened.
I really thought that I was over this, but I now see that I am not. I don�t know why I can�t get over it. I mean, what they say about what is not seen or heard from is forgotten is true. If he hadn�t of signed on Tuesday night, I wouldn�t have emailed him Wednesday morning.
But then again, I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason. So it could have been just one of those things�..