9:18 pm on 2004-02-11
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I could not bring myself to study at all this evening. I just quickly glanced over the five chapters that I have to know for the test and that was it. I am so drained today. I slept kind of ok last night, but when I woke up this morning and went to take a shower, I noticed that there was cold air coming out of the heating vent. So I went downstairs to check the thermostat and my mom was in the back room watching tv, and I asked her about the heat. She said she had just turned it up, so to give it a little bit. Well, when I got out of the shower it was still cold, so I ran downstairs again and the temperature on the thermostat hadn�t changed at all�god damnit, the furnace was busted. It turned out just to be some gas valve, and the heat was fixed. But it was like I had to call and take care of it. I am really getting sick and tired of all this �taking care of everyone� except myself business. The garage broke a couple of weeks ago, and who got it fixed? That�s right, me. Now the heat breaks, who calls to get it fixed, that�s right, me.
I talked to my cousin today and I was upset that it always seems that I need to take charge and take care of everything. My cousin said it�s because I want everything done right away, right this second�she said that the reason my parents didn�t say anything to me about getting the heat fixed is because I get in this mode when something needs to get done, and I want it done 2 hours ago. I am sure that when my dad got up today, he would have called to get it fixed�but I guess that isn�t good enough for me. I want it done now.
Just like at work�I guess on Monday afternoon, the door to the other part of the office started acting up, but no one called about it. So yesterday afternoon, it�s practically falling off the hinges when I walk by, so I asked if anyone called about it. And of course, no one called about. That pissed me off. It seems like I am the only one who can pick up a damn phone and call maintenance to fix something. It seems like if I don�t do it, no one else will.
I feel myself becoming more emotionally drained as the days go by. All I want to do is sleep. My brain is tired. My body is tired. I just don�t know what to do. Maybe I am truly depressed and I just don�t realize it? I don�t know. I guess I am just having a busy couple of weeks / months, and I haven�t taken the time to just stop and breath. But maybe I am keeping myself busy on purpose. I find myself snapping at the littlest things, and at people who do not deserve it at all. As I was talking to my cousin today, my eyes started to water. Great, here comes the cry. So I cried, it wasn�t a sob, but it wasn�t just a trickle of tears either. I did notice though after I cried, I felt a little better. Sometimes I feel like I am going to cry, and I try so hard not to�.maybe that�s what happens�.I feel like I am going to cry, and I keep it in, and then one day there is just too much and I need to get rid of some of it.
Is this what the whole grieving process is all about? I know it is just past the three month mark, but jesus, it feels like it�s been forever since M died. Not a day, let alone hour, goes by where I don�t have some kind of thought about him. I still wonder when I am driving home from work if he�s going to be here�it�s just the same thought that would always come to mind before he died when I was on my way home from work�but I know he�s gone, and I still think it�it�s so weird. M�s birthday is the 26th, his golden birthday of all, of this month�I have been wondering what that day is going to be like. I am almost afraid to deal with that day. I know it will be so hard for all of us to deal with�.
My parents never seem to talk about it with us�.. Banana (my lil sister) talks when she needs to talk. I know she has a great group of friends, and I know that even though they might not have the answers for her, they let her talk and they listen. I know K(my other sister) has a good group of friends, and her boyfriend is so there for her with great support�My dad goes out to breakfast once a week with his brother and brother in law, and they are pretty close, so I am sure that they talk about it. My mom has a good group of people to talk to, even a couple of co workers who have gone through the exact same thing�.
And then there�s me. I know I have a great friend base, and I know that they want to be there for me�but I just have this weird feeling when I talk about it, like I talk about it too much�.I don�t want people to be thinking��great, here she goes again��I know that I shouldn�t feel that way, and I know that they most likely don�t feel that way and I know that I would never feel that way towards any of my friends if they were going through what I am going through�.I guess it�s just that whole �everyone else before taking care of me� philosophy that I have.
Yes, I know that is a bad philosophy�I know I know. But I can�t help it. I can�t change the way that I am..I worry about anything and everything�I worry about things that I don�t need to worry about at all. It�s all just going to really build up and tear me down when it happens. I will lose it. I know I will. But why is it that I realize that if I keep on doing what I am doing that I will lose it�but I am not doing anything to stop it? Is that denial? Yea, sometimes I just don�t know.
I realize that I like to keep busy�keep my mind off things. I like spending time with my friends and hearing about there lives�it keeps my mind off of the things that bother me. Like the other day, I was so stressed about school, midterms, work, just life in general�and benefits buddy was online and we were chatting, and for that time that we were chatting, I did not once think about anything that bothers me�so does that mean that I need some kind of �minute minder� ? Someone by my side 24 hours a day, so when I start to get overwhelmed, I just tell them I need them to do something to put my mind in a different place. Kind of like how the other day I said I was taking applications for someone to keep me in check and tell me when I get psycho�I guess the job now entails putting my mind in another place.
Oh sigh�I guess I�ll just keep typing day after day�..