8:19 pm on Monday, Jan. 26, 2004
The letter and then some
So I wrote a letter to benefits buddy late last night. I really contemplated writing it, and finally decided to do it...and here it is...
January 25, 2004
Hey.
So the last couple of days, I have been thinking about how I reacted to everything that went on abd this is ultimately what I have to say about it....
So ever since you and Les broke up, I felt that things between us really changed. Yea, I will admit, at one point, I somehow thought that there might be some sort of relationship that would become of you and me, but that never happened and I got over it.
Yes, I was jealous of when you hung out with other women, and yea, sometimes I didn't like. But I dealt with it. I valued our friendship and I liked hanging out with you, asides from sex.
You were the one person that I felt that I could trust to tell anything.
While I would have never trusted you in a relationship, which I am sure you are aware of, I really felt that I could tell you anything. I looked forward to an email from you during the day. I always knew you would have some quirky answer to a problem I had or you would just say something that would make me laugh. And that is what I liked the most about you.
What I don't understand is why you would do something to spite me? I'll admit, I've done or said things to you out of spite, but I grew to tell you how I felt about things. Why didn't you just say what you felt? For awhile, I just didn't like that you and K were emailing because I just didn't see the point in it. It's weird, I don't know how to explain it. Like you were moving in on my territory, and I didn't like it. To me, what you did out of spite was something that a boyfriend/girlfriend would do to their girlfriend/boyfriend. And that just doesn't make sense considering I wasn't your girlfriend.
My trust in you is destroyed. It's funny how this one little thing can totally change my outlook on you and our friendship.
I mentioned during the week in one of my diary entries something about how I don't really think that there can be a friendship between us anymore and this has really bothered me.
When I stop to really think about our friendship, I begin to think that it was just sex. And to not hear from you all week, that bothered me. It made me believe that you really don't care for me or my feelings.
In the beginning of the week, I thought to myself that I would call you sometime by the end of the week and talk about what happened, just to get things out in the open. And then yesterday, I realized that I had not had the urge once to call you and talk about it.
Somehow, my not having the urge to call you, makes me think that maybe meant something. So, unless you believe that there is a reason for us to still be friends, maybe you'd like to share that with me, because I cannot think of any reason as why we should continue to be friends.
You cannot say that this is all my fault, and I cannot say that it's all your fault either...We cannot think that the other is the one who caused all the problems, because we have both done things that have ultimately led up to this.
Therefore, I guess we are both to blame for the ruining the friendship.
J...
Yea, so I sent it. I haven't gotten a reply yet, I don't know if I will. I doubt he's even read it yet. I am not too sure how I will feel if I don't get a reply. I sent it to an email that I don't think he reads that often...
and then today I read his diary, and discovered that he had been with someone else. Normally, I would have felt my insides swell with anger and jealousy...but all I could think of was haha you said something to make the girl mad and she left and cried after you fooled around with her. What a stroke.
I don't get people sometimes, I really don't..and at the same time, I don't even understand myself sometimes.
Oh and mr acedog, you left the wrong diary address and I have yet to receive an email from you...please send. I am interested to see what you write about.
So enough of that, I am looking forward to the week ending. I have a superbowl party to attend to on sunday, so that'll be a good time...I'm just anxious for the weekend to get here, that's all. I think I could really care less about the superbowl game. I don't even know who's playing....but I am in a 25 dollar a square pool at work. Maybe I'll win.