10:27 pm on 01-17-05
I think I'm heartbroken
I emailed J today to remind him that he still owed me my winnings from the football thing. I haven�t talked to him since new years day. He emailed me back and said that maybe we could meet and he would give it to me instead of mailing it to me. At first I said that I was busy and that he should just mail it to me. Later on the day I felt bad that I wrote that and emailed him and said that we could meet. He said he would call me tonight to plan a get together.
During the afternoon, I felt good. I thought that things would be ok. But then later in the evening, I thought, �what am I doing? I�m only setting myself up for a let down� and that is exactly what happened. I cried while I was talking to him. Most of the phone conversation was silence between the two of us. He told me he cried about what happened, but he couldn�t tell me why. He didn�t have a reason for it. I was given reasons, but none of them were answers, if you know what I mean. I ended the conversation and then called him back a few minutes later. I basically said that he can�t give me what I want. And he agreed. It�s like I want a relationship with him, but I don�t want a relationship with him. I want the friendship that we had, yet at the same time I don�t want to �share� him with anyone else. Specifically not another woman. It�s so weird, almost to the point where I�ve really confused myself and I don�t even think I really even know what I want. It�s not fair no matter what way you look at it.
I think it�s safe to say that I am heart broken. I�ve lost something that I don�t think I�ll ever get back. I don�t know what I am going to do. I know I�ll be fine and I�ll get over it, but as I write this I am crying. There is no one, except you diaryland who will listen to whatever it is that I am trying to say. Just reading that line makes me want to cry more. I feel so pathetic and sad and angry and hurt and whatever else right now. This fucking sucks. I mean, really fucking sucks. God my little heart hurts. I don�t know why I am so upset about this. J said we can go on and on in circles and talk about it�I don�t think it�ll get us anywhere. Why did I even write him today?