8:52 pm on 01-12-05
I'm fresh out of short descriptions
I felt bad today because I did not think about my brother yesterday. Or for the most part, I don�t recall thinking about him. I can�t do this. It�s been just over a year since he died, I can�t forget about him. This might sound wrong, but I almost feel obligated to think about him everyday. Like if I don�t think about him, I�ll forget him. My youngest sister is participating in the �walk out of the darkness� (I think that�s what it�s called) event this summer coming up. I think it�s a 25 mile walk from somewhere to Chicago, to raise money for suicide research. I think it�s a good thing to raise money and what not for this cause, but we�ll never know why people commit suicide. No one will ever know what�s in their mind at their last second of life.
I�m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It was Mike�s fate/destiny to leave the way he did. It�s harsh, I know, but I�ve accepted his death. I am sad and a better part of the time angry because I couldn�t stop it, and even more so angry because I never even stopped to think that thoughts of suicide were running through his troubled mind. Maybe that is the way that it was supposed to be. He never said anything to us, he never said anything to his friends�he didn�t do it for attention. He did it because he thought it would make our lives better. I guess he didn�t think that he was worthy enough to be a part of this world. That is so disheartening the more I think about it�Sure, everyone has rough patches in their lives, but they get through it most of the time. Mike obviously didn�t think that it was possible for him. And then one day, it just clicked in his head that he had to do what he did. I�ll never fully understand it, and even in my afterlife, I may not ever find out about it.
But I also have a life to live. Life goes on and while it�s perfectly normal to be sad and what not, you can�t stop living your life! If I did that, I know Mike would be ultra pissed at me. I have not talked to anyone or gone to any support since he died. I feel as if I don�t need it, but at the same time, I�m sure it wouldn�t hurt to go to a group meeting. I find it strange that I have accepted his death in such a short amount of time. I know a woman at work whose son hung himself (same as Mike) and is so troubled by it. She is just so sullen looking all the time. My parents, they haven�t accepted his death at all. In my dad�s words, �I fucking hate him for what he did��my mom, she cries sometimes, and that�s about it. We don�t really talk about him together. No one wants to go overboard with it. My youngest sister and I, we talk about him a lot. We cry, we laugh, we tell stories about him. Someone needs to be there for her. Being a senior in high school, she has gone through more shit in the last four years than anyone has ever done in their lives. I am truly amazed at her, although most of the time she�s a typical bratty teenager�
Ok, enough of that. On another note�my asp.net class kicks ass. I love it and I am having no problems with it (so far)! My other class, well like I said last week, the instructor is a machine. Tomorrow night should be interesting.