10:04 pm on 12-19-04
The reason for the fuck off
The last entry was an anger filled entry. But I still feel that way. Contrary to what some people believe (obviously those who don�t read all the time), J / mcdude is not, nor was he ever my boyfriend. We were fuck buddies and supposedly friends. But the more I think about, the more I begin to realize that this is the right thing to do. Cut off all contact with him. The thing that set me off was this�
He has been seeing some girl for a week. He met her last Sunday via a personal ad site, or that�s what he told me. I had called him Wednesday night and he wasn�t around and in an email on Thursday, I asked him where he was. He said sara stopped by and we went for hot chocolate and to target. I sarcastically responded with, �I hope you�re not planning on bringing this girl out for new years eve�. I said that without even realizing that he would consider doing such a thing. I was just being my usual smart ass self. Of course, he replied back with a generic response typical of him, �I wouldn�t consider doing that�, which translated to me that he had already considered such a thing.
Friday afternoon he calls me. I mentioned my email and said how it was sarcastic and somewhat mean. He agreed. So I asked, �why is it mean?� and he had no response. I wanted to know why he thought it was mean. I again said that I hope he isn�t planning on bringing her out for new years. He hesitated and said something like, �would that bother you?� Of course it would fucking bother me! How many other times have you gone out with other girls and it bothered me? This would not be new news to you. So anyway, I knew right then and there that he wanted to take this girl out on new years. He didn�t exactly come out and say it, but I just knew. I angrily replied with, �you know what, I�ll cancel the hotel and I won�t plan on hanging out with you on Saturday either��Now in my opinion and in the opinion of a couple of other people, a good friend (if that�s what I thought J was) would have said something along the lines of, �no, don�t cancel the hotel, we�ve already made plans for new years and were sticking with them, yadda yadda yadda��and then I hung up on him. I did not get a call back or anything from him. Which I almost expected him to call me back and he didn�t. And he knows that it bothers me. He knows it. What girl would like to be spending new years eve in a hotel room with a former fuck buddy, his current fling and his out of town friend? Not me. I was fine with the three of us, but throw in another girl? No.
Now, this whole getting mad at him for going out with other girls is not fair to either of us. It�s not fair to me because it makes me angry and what not and I get mad about it, and become a bitch. It�s not fair to him either because he is certainly entitled to go out with whomever he pleases without me constantly ball busting him.
I�ve known for a month or two this was coming. I�ve just had this feeling that something was going to happen. I knew after I had made plans for new years eve that I wouldn�t be spending it with j and the northside crew. I just had this feeling that something was happening and soon, I just didn�t know that this is how it would happen. I also began to realize that how I felt about him was different. The last time we had sex was when he was really drunk, I could have done without it, but went along with it. Sex is no fun anymore without some kind of emotional attachment, or at least that was my feeling about that time. When we�d make plans to hang out I�d hope that we were hanging out with other people too. It�s like I didn�t think I�d have anything to say to him, or wait, more like I didn�t want to say anything to him.
I went out with Melissa on Friday night and she really didn�t like that I was upset as I was. She never liked J, well wait, it�s not that she didn�t like him, she just didn�t know him. I told her that it wasn�t just him, but it was also me too. So what�s been said has been said, and what�s been done has been done. I can�t go back and take anything back that I said. If I said, I meant it.
I�ve always wanted to tell J that I felt sometimes the same way he did when his ex girlfriend broke up with him. He hated it and wanted to know why she chose the other guy over him. I won�t say that I never thought of a relationship with him, because I did. I eventually got over it, but at the same time I never did because I always wondered why not me?
I also think that I put up with it because J and the northsiders were all single. It was a good group to go out with and hang out and have a good time. I wanted to have something to do other than hang out with the married crew. But you know what, the married crew are my friends. They stick by me through whatever. They take me for who I am. I�m better off with them and I should have listened to them all along.
Relationships and friendships are really fucked up sometimes. I guess I�ve learned the hard way that you can�t try to mix them. Is it safe to say that it�s time for me to move on? Start the new year off on a good, positive, drama free note? I think so.