9:54 pm on 02-26-04
It's my job, and you can't have it
Today was what would have been M�s birthday. He would have been 26 today. It wasn�t too bad of a day�quite a few people at work knew what this day was, and of course, some people just don�t know how to let it be�and kept on asking how I was. An extremely good work friend of mine stopped by my office early this morning, and she gave me a card, which of course, made me cry. But that�s ok. There is a man that I know from work, and today was the anniversary of his son�s death. His son also committed suicide by hanging himself, the same as M. I saw him and his wife at mass this afternoon. I know exactly how they feel, or more like I know that they know how we are feeling right now. I am relative content with the fact that the holidays and his birthday are finally over. Maybe now I can grieve�. We have several months before the next major holiday�so this is probably what I need, along with the rest of my family.
I�ve been extremely busy lately, and therefore, have not thought a lot about M�s death. But when I do think about it, I get really upset because I cannot fathom what was going through his head! His final thought as he went on to another place. It�s morbid, yet normal at the same time. I often wonder if anything hurtful things I ever said to him made him do the things that he did. I�ll never know, and I know that it is not right to blame myself�but that thought hits me a lot.
So tomorrow night I am supposed to go out with benefits buddy(j), red, below, the roommate, and I think some one else�so on my way home from school tonight, I called J to see what time to come over tomorrow. I think I have called him more in the last week than I ever have in my whole life.. and I don�t know why I�ve been calling him, but anyway, back to the story.
So the roommate answers the phone and I say hi and what not, and ask to talk to J. Roommate tells me that he is out taking care of business. I was like, what is he in the bathroom or something? Nope. Roommate told me that he was over at psycho girls house. So of course, I had to make some smart ass comment about what is he doing there, and roommate tells me that he�s taking care of business�something about being nice, and laying it all out to her or something. Of course, running through my head is, �right, he�s getting fucked��I would never say that to his roommate anyway. So that was that, and I told roommate to tell J to give me a call later or whenever. Normally, I would have most likely gotten pissy and all that crap�and as I was driving, all I could think was �damn, if he�s fucking her, I wonder if she�s better than me��I didn�t care that he was over there, nothing. That reaction surprised me, because normally, I would have muttered something like �dummy� under my breath, and gotten pissed, because well, I get pissed at stuff like that, and we have some sort of history and all that. And you know what, he probably is just over there being nice to her, and all that. But if I know him, she�ll make a move on him, and he�ll go for it. Silly. Yea. Yea, and then if I ask him if he slept with her.
I�m taking most of the day off tomorrow. I need a break. I have a lengthy meeting tomorrow morning that is mandatory that I attend, but that is about it. Yea.. getting off early on Fridays is fun.
Oh yea, and the midterm I thought I royally failed..I got a fucking 94 out of 100 points. I almost didn�t think it was my test�but it was. I am so proud of myself!! Yeehaw.
PART 2 of today's entry...
So I just got off the phone with J, he said he laid down the law. I told him I don�t believe him, but he didn�t hesistate when he answered my question if he slept with her, so I guess he�s probably telling the truth�And I guess when he left psychos house, he walked in the door, and his roommate handed him the phone�it was her. Jesus Christ. I swear, girls can be so not normal sometimes. My ex lover eminem was like that. No way, nu uh, not for me.
I guess she told J that she was horny. She thinks that she can reel him in with the sex and have him for a friends with benefits or something like that�..
Listen here chicky�that�s my job, and you can�t have it.