9:01 pm on 2004-02-02
Why did he have to be so afraid?
Well, guess what kind of day I had today..not one of the best, but not one of the worst either. First I woke up a little later than I should�didn�t do much with my hair, yet I got about 5 compliments on it. Why is it that when I think my hair looks terrible that people tell me it looks nice. Weird.
Then, karaoke goddess and I got a bitch email from K about not going to the super bowl party yesterday. She wanted to know where we were and why we didn�t call. I told her that I didn�t call anyone�when I actually called Goddess and told her that I wasn�t planning on going. So K proceeds to bitch in another email just to me about how she�s pissed at me because I didn�t call her and then she said that I didn�t call her to go out Saturday night, which was a complete lie because I called her at around 830pm and she was napping, so I told pothead where we were going and he said that he would tell her, but he didn�t think that they were going to go there. So I said that I would call them if we went to another bar, so I did call them around midnight and K answered and said she wasn�t going to go out�Fine, don�t fucking bitch about it
So today I was complaining amongst the group email that I entered a meeting in on the wrong day and I was busting my ass because I thought I had this meeting today and I didn�t..so K replies with some fucking comment about how I should �make a note to self� to not forget to call people when I am not going somewhere. Alright, enough is enough. So I emailed back and said something about how it was over like 5 hours ago and to drop it and get over it. I didn�t know that she changed plans to go to this party�she is attached to her boyfriends ass�how was I supposed to know if I wasn�t going to go that she wasn�t going to go. What a bunch of crap is what I say. And how come she only bitched at me and not karaokegoddess? I think she was purposely bitching to get back at me for being a bitch to her when she didn�t tell me that benefits buddy emailed her. And then she tells me that I get mad over the littlest things. Whatever. So now I get this complex thinking that she�s talking about me to other people, making me look like the bad person. It�s not like I was just meeting her out, there were going to be a ton of people there. What was I supposed to do, call every single person and say, �oh I�m not going to the party, so you might want to change your mind about going��..I create enough of my own drama, I don�t need her creating more in my life. She�s so immature sometimes, and she thinks that because she owns a house, she�s not immature. Please, you can�t even pay your bills on time, let alone if ever. Note to yourself � Grow up bitch.
Ok, now I feel better.
I really despise school this week. My homework and studying has been quite a drag.
I cried today because I miss my brother. It wasn�t a spastic, can�t breath, I need to go home from work, cry, but it was a good one. I think lately I have had just so much on my mind, that the littlest thing sets me off. I wanna say that�s it because of my brother�s death, but I am afraid to say that to people because I don�t want them to think that I am just being an ass and using that as an excuse. I know that my close friends understand and whatnot�but still, sometimes it�s weird. Lately, I haven�t talked a lot about M partly because I have been super busy and really haven�t had the time to think about him too much�but I find myself daydreaming at work and not focusing�like I think I am losing focus right now with this entry.
I sometimes wonder if things are going to get worse or get better with this grieving process. I should google that process and see what the steps are. If I recall what some of them are, I don�t even think I�ve hit any of them�well, wait, maybe that�s the denial phase?
It�s weird because sometimes I�ll start thinking about him, and how he died. I have these images pop into my head of what he must have looked like when they found him. Then I literally shake my head just to lose that image. Why do I think of those things? Is it curiosity? I don�t know. I got a heavy feeling in my chest yesterday when I started to think about what must have been going through his head when he did it. Did he have some sort of clarity, and just think that at that time, leaving us was the best thing to do. How could he think that?! Why wouldn�t he come to us?! That�s what bothers me the most!! Yea, no family is perfect, but my dad has always said that we are not quitters, and no matter how bad it gets, we�ll always be there for each other and to get through it together. Why didn�t Mike realize that?! Of course, he wasn�t working, and he would sit around and drink, and I know that played a relatively large roll in how things played out in his mind. But why did he have to be so afraid of what the future held for him? How many times did I tell him that he could do whatever he wanted! He was a smart guy, he just didn�t apply himself too much. He did so well in the military�awards an increase in rank and what not�.so what happened when he came home? Did the lack of his structure affect him? Did being away from those that had become his close friends deteriorate him? Did he think that things would never get better? He must of thought that they could only get worse and he was afraid to face that. If you weren�t so afraid Mike, you�d still be here. God damnit, why did you have to be so afraid?
Whoa�I never thought that this is where my entry would go today. I just started typing and this is what came out. And now I am crying.