10:32 pm on 08-03-04
Lack of a best friend
I want to write and I have an urge to write, but the sad thing is that I can�t even think of anything to write. I sit here trying to dig up memories..and nothing comes to mind. Except wait�I remember being in 8th grade and I was very good friends with this girl V. My birthday was coming up and my mom had told me that I could invite just a couple of close friends and we would go to this cool place where you could paint your own sweatshirts and then they would spin them, making these cool designs on them (it was the 80�s alright). So I invited about 4 other girls plus V and we all went to this tshirt place. The following Monday I am walking to school and I run into this girl who was relatively new to our grammar school. So I ask her what she did over the weekend and she said, �oh V came over and we baked cookies�. I asked her what day they did that and she had replied, �oh she was over all day Saturday and then spent the night�. You dumb blond, V was hanging out with me all day and spent the night at my house. When did you become me and no one informed me. At the time I didn�t say anything to her because I was chicken and I couldn�t stand up to anyone when I was younger, but that didn�t stop me from running to tell all the other girls in class. The funny thing is, I don�t think anyone ever said anything to blondie about this. I don�t know what possessed her to lie about hanging out with V. I still see blondie from time to time and she is one of those people who just annoy you by the look of them.
Yea, when I was in grammar school, I was a chicken. I was friends with everyone, but I was usually the quiet one that went along with the flow. I don�t ever remember anyone ever picking on me. I do remember this one boy used to call me hanamobile all the time. Obviously in reference to part of my last name. I never understood if there was some secret meaning behind it or what, but I always got a kick out of it.
As soon as I hit high school though, I dropped the grammar school crew and established a new base of friends, getting close enough just in time for me to transfer to another school, therefore once again trying to establish a new group of friends. You always sort of think that you are going to stay friends with people�but you eventually just slip away and grow apart from each other. I blame this transfer during high school and the lack of my going away to college as the reason why I do not have a so called best friend today. A few years ago, I was really close with a group of girls, all of whom I now consider very needy and I really don�t understand why I was friends with them. I don�t talk to any of them anymore, and it was all because of something really stupid, but I guess that�s the way things work nowadays.
Does everyone really have a best friend? Do people not have best friends or am I the only one? It always seems that people I know are saying my best friend this, my best friend that, and I never find myself saying anything about a best friend. I have close friends, but when I think about it, I don�t know if they meet my expectation of close. I like spending time with them on the weekends and hanging out and what not, but they all have their own married/dating lives. None of them are single, and I really don�t think that they can relate with me at all sometimes. I mean, really, who wants to spend every weekend hanging out with the married crew playing cards? Not me. They don�t even know everything about me, not only do they not really ask me about it, but I don�t really share anything really deep with them. Yea, I�ll tell them something that�s going on, but it is always some short reply and then on to something that is going on with them. J is usually the one that I tell things to. He�s a good listener and gives constructive feedback. (sounds like an employee evaluation).
With that said, I sometimes wonder if I am the one in the wrong. Like I am being selfish in wanting everyone to ask about me and wonder what is going on with me. Or do I just need someone ultra cool to be my best friend? Someone who�ll be there when I just want to bullshit, listen to me ramble on and on about stuff that really won�t matter in the long run, someone to go to freaking target with me when I just want to buy some pens.
Blah blah�I think I am going to start writing entries where they include lyrics to my favorite songs. It might make me look somewhat productive.