9:08 p.m. on 2003-10-30
My dealership would never fuck me
Yea. My seatbelt in my car was fucked up today and it was cutting into my stomach. The actual strap thing was twisted up inside the little holder thing and I couldn�t get it straightened out, therefore leading me to drive with a seat belt cutting into my stomach. I did get new tires today, the noise is gone. And I got an oil change. The guy told me that I am gonna need some new brakes sometime within the next two months, and that I probably won�t make it through the winter. Therefore he called me at work (while my car was at the dealership) asking me if he wanted me to do the brakes. I said no. And that was fine with him; he just explained that I need to keep them in mind. I like my car dealership. They don�t fuck around with you and make you get stuff you don�t need. Plus, it�s cheaper to get an oil change there than it is at one of those oil places.
So here we go with a benefits buddy story. Now those of you who are avid readers of my diary, may have read awhile back about how I put the whole kibosh on the benefits buddy thing. Well, that didn�t last very long. It was really disturbing to me at the time that I acted like a spaz when he was seeing this flavor ice girl. So the thing with flavor ice ended and everything was cool. He had gone out on a couple of dates, I was kind of seeing someone and we were still screwing around. I stopped dating Scott. And that was that, I don�t know why I did though. Anyway. So benefit buddy tells me last week that he was going out with some girl this past Sunday. I was fine with it. I told him when I was leaving his place Sunday that he should let me know how everything went and that he should have fun. Well, he tells me about it and then proceeds to tell me that he thinks that this girl might be a horn dog. Well that idea didn�t sit too well with me at all. The idea that he could be fucking some other girl?! Yea, I didn�t like that.
Now when he had a girlfriend and we were fucking around, I could care less if he was sleeping with someone else. Everything was fine then. I was going out with other guys, doing whatever, not caring what he did. Then his girlfriend broke up with him. I felt bad for him, but at the same time I didn�t feel bad because he was cheating on her.
I think guys view the whole cheating thing totally different than girls. So, yea, they�re broken up, we�re still fooling around. Yadda yadda. Then he proceeds to tell me that he is going to start dating girls from the internet, yahoo/match.com. OK fine and I was truly fine with it for awhile�
but wait, this is where I realize what my problem is�.(mind you, I think I just realized this today)
How come an attempt was never made on his part to see what it would be like to date me? I understand we�re just fuck buddies, but what is wrong with me otherwise that I am not even worth considering dating? Am I not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not cool enough? Is it because I�m still in school? Do I not make enough money? Is a 40 minute drive considered too far away? Is it because I know he has cheated on girlfriends, hence leading me to believe the theory once a cheater always a cheater? Is it easier just to look for someone else because they don�t know much about his past relationships like I do?
Yea those are a lot of questions to ask and ponder about. It�s not like everyday I am sitting here going I want to date him and only him. I really don�t even know what it would be like to date him, or even if it would last, I don�t even think I�ve actually considered the thought of dating him.
It�s like I�m not worthy of anything more than fucking and that�s what gets me spastic. And you want to know what the stupid thing is�I don�t even find myself getting mad at him for it. I�m just confused I guess. Yea, and I know that he has made it clear that it doesn�t bother him if I date other people, and that he would be happy for me if I found someone. Hell, I�d be happy if I found someone too. Sometimes I just don�t get it.
And he�s just so god damned good in bed! Or am I just comfortable enough with him to truly enjoy it?
So my psychiatrist says that I need to keep a diary (duh, wonder what this is)�he asked me today about relationships currently in my life, and of course, this one came up. Dr. B says that he can�t tell me what to. He can�t say that it�s right or wrong. He can only tell me that if I think it is wrong, then I need to work on doing something to make it right. What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
He asked me, like he does every time I see him, if I wanted a prescription for an anti-depressant, because in his eyes I am depressed, but he won�t give me something unless I want it. That is how my situation is. He says that though I am still going through a state of depression, I am not depressed to the point where he feels the need to put me on something, but that if I feel I need something to level out my emotions, he�ll give me something.
Yea, and he said today too that I try too much to please other people and that I am too concerned about others well being and happiness than my own. I am supposed to be number one right now, I need to take care of myself and make sure that I am making myself happy.
Yea sometimes I hate going to see Dr. B, but he says stuff that makes sense and sometimes my mind is much clearer after talking to him. I think that�s why he has suggested that I keep a journal/diary for myself. That�s why he�s the psychiatrist and I am the patient.
I think that�s enough for tonight.