9:21 pm on 07-11-04
Entry 2 for today
This is entry number 2 for today.
This morning when I went back to sleep, I woke up from a bad dream involving J. I found it quite disturbing actually. In the dream, somehow I am driving around in my car, sitting in the backseat with his ex and him sitting in the front. They�re talking and what not, and I am getting pissed and J keeps on turning around in the front seat and giving me these looks. So his ex then turns around and asks if J and I are�she just mouthed the word, I didn�t hear what she was saying. So I assumed she asked if we were dating and I said no, we were just friends. So then his ex is driving my car and I am still in the backseat and they�re holding hands and he�s still turning around giving me these stupid looks. And I couldn�t tell what the looks were all about. So we park at this place where I am assuming J lived at in this dream. We had to go through a grocery store to get to this place where he lived. So we�re all in this apartment like place, and his ex is walking around acting as if they are back together or something. I am walking around trying to find all of my stuff and pack up and leave. I was trying to find my shoes in this dream and I would find them and go to pick them up and they would disappear. It was really strange.
At this point in the dream I am livid, I mean really angry. So J is on the phone and I walk into the room where he�s at and he says to the person on the phone, �I�ll talk to you later��and he gives me this look like what the hell are you still here for. His ex then is laying in his bed and she has these stupid smirks on her face�.So I am getting more pissed by the minute in this dream and I get so angry that I blurt out to his ex, �I fucked your boyfriend�, and she replies, �Yea so did I�.. ok smartass. So J looks at me with this look of utter surprise. Like he can�t believe that I said that. So he starts saying stuff about me, and I look at his ex, and say, �not only did I fuck him, but I fucked him the whole time you were dating him!��I don�t recall a look or anything from her, but I knew J was pissed. And he says, �you stupid south side piece of white trash��and then proceeds to dump ice cream on my bags.
Then I woke up, and my heart was racing and I woke up J and told him that I had a nightmare. I was really disturbed by this dream and I don�t know if I really know why I was. I don�t think that I am worried about his ex coming back into the picture, but I guess I�m coming back to those feelings of if he does find someone, he and I will never have the friendship that we have now. Sometimes I wonder if he really thinks of me as a friend the same way that I think of him. Out of all my friends, I feel the closest to him. I am pretty comfortable around him, and I can pretty much tell him anything. Not that he always listens, but I don�t always feel that I have to watch what I say around him. And that�s how it is with a majority of my friends.
Does having sex increase hormone levels? Like if I get laid, does that mean that my estrogen and progesterone levels are likely to increase, causing me to become some sort of emotional mess. My sleep cycle has been royally screwed this week. That could be part of it too. I think this week I�ll make an appointment with my doctor and see about going back on the pill and getting this hormone crap leveled out. Otherwise, I don�t know what to do.